Jackson...Love It but Hate It

I had the opportunity to go to Jackson this Sunday, to go watch Phi Mu kick butt in All-Sing. And we did. It was pretty specacular, no contest this year, and I'm not just saying that.

I love going back to Jackson. I miss everyone and everything so much. I love the time I get to spend there, but every time I have to leave I get depressed again. It never fails. I cried off and on all the way Sunday night. It has taken very little to get the tears rolling today, and I imagine it will be that way for the rest of the week at least.

I feel like such an idiot for leaving school. I know I did it for a reason, but when I go back it just gets harder and harder. I would be graduating in a month. I would have a senior bucket with my name on it at the Phi Mu house, getting ready for senior retreat. I miss my Phi class so much, I don't think most of those girls know what they mean to me. So many of my girls got dropped this year and I didn't even know about it til this weekend. It's so hard being away, especially when I have no clue where my life is headed at the moment.

Even as I'm writing this I'm getting more water spots on my glasses. I can't help it. If I were still at school I think I would have a better grasp on my life. I would have a plan, some idea of the direction I'm going.

I want so bad to be a strong woman of God, but I am having such a hard time. I feel so broken right now.

A lot of random things....

So I pretty much have the best nephew and quasi-nephew ever. Tonight was awesome. I got to play with Pax and Mason on the playground and had lots of fun. I can't believe how much they've both grown. They are both incredibly smart and very sweet little boys. It will definitely be the highlight of my week.

I am sick and tired of waiting tables. I like the people I work with, but I am so not meant to do this. I mean I am good at my job, but I just don't like it. I think people are right when they say that everyone should have to wait tables for at least six months of their life. Most people don't understand the crap we have to put up with on a daily basis. Nobody realizes we only make 2.13 an hour and that you are supposed to tip 18-20%!!! I work my butt off on a daily basis, always giving great service, but its not very often that I see the real fruits of my labor.

Not only do I just not like serving, it is not fulfilling at all. I want to do something else with my life, but I feel like it is at such a stand-still. I have lots of respect for people who do this for living, but I have no idea how much longer I can keep this up. Its draining not only physically, but mentally as well. Ughhh. Anybody got a job opening?

Enough about that. I am constantly pondering what I want to do with my life. I think I would love to be a wedding planner, but I have also taken some cake decorating classes, and I LOVE it. I'm not to shabby either. I love baking and experimenting in the kitchen, so I've even thought about pastry school. I don't know. It's still a long way off, but its also sucks that I don't have a clue what I really want.

More than anything I know I just need to hand it over to God. He knows what's in store for me. What is He calling me to do though? Listening is harder for me than it should be.

There are my ramblings for the time-being. Have a great week!

Mushy Brains

So.I am tired of being a server and working in a flipping restaurant. I feel like I am wasting my time. It's not paying the bills and it's turning my brain into mush. I feel like it doesn't take near the thinking power that my brain needs. Sure it can be fun when we are super busy and I have a lot of things on my plate, but that's not very often. I don't have a constant outlet to channel the creativity and thinking that needs to happen to make me happy. A lot of this is coming on at once because one of my good friends just landed an unbelievable REAL job,another friend transfered to a new school, and yet another is going to school.

I am so confused about what I want to get out of this life. I know God's got this amazing plan for me, but it's hard not knowing what it is when everyone else around me is figuring out the puzzle. I know that a lot of my friends and family expect more of me, I expect more of me, God expects more of me. Maybe that's the problem, I thought I had handed it all over to Him, maybe there still some more to give.

Here are the things I know: I love being creative;I love listening to and making music, acting, singing,anything and everything artistic, even if I'm not that good at it. I love helping people, and making people smile. More than anything, if I had the finances, I would travel to places all over the US that have been torn apart by natural disasters. That is definitely one of my long-term goals. Who knows when and if it will happen, but I do have hope.

The best part of my week, for sure, is Sunday night. My small group of girls from BUMC amaze me every time we get together. They are so awesome. We have a really tight knit group and I love it. Sunday night is definitely the best day of my week, because of these girls.

This blog seems kind of selfish, I'm sure. I know there are people going through stuff a lot worse than this, but I needed to vent a little. I know it won't be the last venting either, in the weeks to come.

Thanks for listening.Join us next time for ramblings Through Hazel's Eyes.

Hazel (aka Jayna)